Adam’s Visit: Part IV

I took this photograph from outside my apartment at the Pine Needle Retirement Home.

In the May 18th entry, I was recounting my conversation with Adam about you, Dear Journal. Adam was visiting me for the weekend during the last weekend in April. The journal entry recounts the reason for Adam’s visit. When we left off, Adam was talking about the alternate reality, Stephen Gulliver’s Straight World, specifically the PRR or Personality Reassignment Room in which a future USA government tortures gay and lesbian people it wishes to convert to a heterosexual sexuality – as if such a thing were possible.

“I think that’s one of the things that really bother’s Mom and Dad about your journal.

Dad said that it’s one of the most disgusting things he’s ever read, and Mom won’t even talk about it. It bothers me too, but not in the same way it does them.” He paused and stared at the large pine trees outside my living room window.

“How’s that,” I urged.

“It frightens me.”

“Why?”

“Because, if that is our reality, only twenty years from now, it could be real.”

“It is real.”

“If that is the case, they may take me away someday.”

“Are you telling me that you are gay?”

“No.”

“What are you saying then?”

“I’m saying, I think I’m bi-sexual.”

“Why do you think that, Adam?”

“I find both men and women to be sexually attractive, perhaps for different reasons, or in different ways. With men, I’m more interested in the alpha dog thing. I want to be dominated, by a well made, handsome guy who knows what he wants…”

“Okay, I get the picture. What about women?”

“I suppose that it’s the opposite of the way I feel about men in many ways. I want to dominate her, but not to make her small, but because I want her to need me. And that, I think, is because (actually) I need her. I’ve thought about it a lot. Perhaps I’m this way because Mom is so difficult, and I never felt as though she was fully engaged in raising me. So, now in my sexual relationships with women, I am looking for a woman who I can cause to need me desperately, so that she will be completely involved with me.

“So, in the case of men, you want to be subdued. But, with women, you want unconditional, and total adoration.”

“You’ve got the first part right, I think. The second, not. She doesn’t have to adore me, just need me desperately.”

“You know, just because she is desperate for your physical presence it doesn’t necessarily mean that she will nurture you like a mother is supposed to do with her children.”

“I know that. I’m just looking at the psychology of the thing.”

“So, here’s my next question. Have you had enough sexual experience with both men and women to know your sexual identity thoroughly?”

“Well, I’m not a slut, sex pig, whore. However, I have had several major relationships with both women and men.”

“So, you are reasonably sure about this.”

“No, not reasonably. I am sure.”

“You know, Adam. I think most of us, if we look deep into our persons can find that we like both men and women. Some of us like men much more than women, and others, Vic versa, you are familiar with the Kinsey scale.”

“Yes. I’ve seen the movie.”

“I’ve read the books. I was desperate (when they were first published) to understand why I was so attracted to men. I didn’t know how it was possible to love your grandmother and want men so desperately at the same time. My religious beliefs told me that I was living in sin, and that I was an evil man.”

“But, you’re not evil.”

“I’ve come to realize that. There is evil in this universe. But it is not you or I, Adam. Instead, the people who teach against sexual minorities are evil. God does not make mistakes. There is a reason for every part of his creation. Evil is present, but only when one man decides to hate another and / or preach against another because of his religion, nationality, skin color, race, ethnicity, sex, or sexuality.

“So, I am not evil because of my bi-sexual nature.”

“No. Though you have a more difficult future ahead of you than most. You live in a culture based on opposition, though you personally are not. Both heterosexuals and homosexuals distrust bisexuals. However, I suspect that your nature is closest to actual human nature. Those of us at the extreme ends of the Kinsey scale are relatively rare. Most people are a mixture of sexual proclivities. There in lies the problem.

Fear. Most submerge the knowledge that they are attracted (to some extent) to both sexes beneath the conscious threshold because they have been taught that is evil. So, they bury that knowledge of their personal self, and it festers beneath the surface and they become fearful of others who display such behavior.”

“It sounds like you are defending them.”
“Oh, no. Not, that. Never! They are living half-lives. They are hiding behind their religion. Jesus Christ did not want people to use God to defend prejudice. Instead, Jesus Christ hoped that people would use his life to help them accept and love one another. That was his message. Love, not hate!

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In the news yesterday was a new slant on politicians kissing babies. I saw articles with photographs of the President kissing babies created from stem cells. His kissing act was in direct opposition to the Congress' proposed bill to allow stem cell research. See "Proposed Stem Cell Bill Divides Republicans. President Bush's behavior would be real if he weren't the cause of over 20,000 deaths of men, women and children in Iraq. Not to mention that this president is directly responsible for the deaths of over sixteen hundred American personnel in Iraq. Go to antiwar.comfor exact numbers.

I don’t know how evangelical Christians are able to rationalize this dichotomy and square it with the teaching of Jesus Christ.

*"New poster, FFOL update, new essay, CrimethInc. en español, video for Europe, etc." crimethinc.com. http://www.crimethinc.com/main/news.html. January 1, 2003. viewed Wed 11:32 PM. EDT.

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*

Nuclear Option Won’t Blow

Read the article at Comcast News. Also, Market Watch.

I find Majority Leader Frist’s comment that keeping the filibuster will “enshrine a new tyranny of the minority” to be oxymoronic. However, I would remind the illustrious Mr. Frist that this minority is a very large minority and growing daily as the Republican ‘Oiligarchy’ moves to impose a mandate for the rich that includes the disenfranchisement of the middle and lower classes. I have a feeling, and I hope my gut is correct that middle class America is beginning to understand how thoroughly they have been mesmerized and hoodwinked by the hate mongering, power hungry politicians of the Neo-con New Rome.

Of course tonight’s compromise does mean that the courts will become ever more conservative. The far right Republicans want to see America back in the middle of the nineteenth century when the industrial barons ruled.

Do we really want to go back there?

Democratic Party unite! We have nothing to lose but the chains to an oil consuming economy.

So ends soapbox speech number 410. The old gay Pennsylvania Dutch fart has spoken.

Seriously folks. Let’s take our country back.

* The Coleman Archive: Museum of Curious Cultural Artifacts, http://www.miqel.com/coleman-archives-mystery-museum-image-gallery/coleman-museum-fascinating-findings.html, viewed Monday, May 23, 2005, 10:09 PM EDT.

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Continued from the May 11, 2005 entry.

At that time, my grandson Adam was visiting me at The Big Needle because his father, Samuel had complained to him that you, my dear journal are pornographic. Sam knew that would get my attention since Adam is my favorite of the grandchildren. On May eleventh I had stopped writing in the middle of a conversation with Adam that took place on Saturday morning, April 30, 2005.

“Look, both Mom and Dad have been upset ever since you came out as a gay man. Mom is always asking, ‘Why now? Why when he’s so old that he can’t perform anyway? Why not when Mother was alive? Why not before I was born? He can’t have it both ways.’ And, I love to respond, ‘First, he had to fight all his life to figure things out because people like you told him it was a sin and he was a bad person if he responded to his needs. Second, I doubt he’s too old to “perform” as you put it. Third, if he had decided he was gay before you were born, you and I probably wouldn’t be here.’ ”

“Adam. I’m glad you came to my defense, but try not to be so hard on your mother.”

“Why? How can you defend her? She had Sanctuary taken apart and stored in a basement somewhere in Pittsburgh. Some of your stuff was torn up and burned. Don’t you wonder if it was my mother who did that?”

“Honestly. Yes. I do. But, you must admit, she had a difficult childhood. Me, running around dressed in silver foil, writing about Varnastrama, which I believed and still believe to this day was and is a real place. All her friends thought I was a mad man, and she was teased unmercifully in school.”

“So, we all grow up, we discover who we are, we learn to deal with life, , and we put those things that can’t be helped behind us.”

“Well, perhaps your mother has not been able to do that because my behavior traumatized her as a child.”

“What, grow up, or put those things behind.”

“Both, I think.”

“I get mad…”

“Angry.”

“Okay, I get angry thinking about all those ignorant people who can’t or don’t want to think past the end of their nose, and so, they punish anyone who does. And, I guess it bothers me that my mother and father are just like all the rest, except they should be able to see past it and don’t bother.”

“It’s just so much easier not to think for yourself, Adam. Don’t you wish sometimes that you didn’t have to? Don’t you wish that you could be the kind of Christian that believes in a set of rules prescribed by God that tell you who to like and who to dislike? The rules would tell you exactly who is right and who is wrong, who is good, and who is bad. Wouldn’t life be so much easier?”

“Yes it would. Which brings me to a question I’ve been trying to answer for myself and I can’t. I’m stumbling all about, and I don’t have an answer, and I think I’m more than a bit scared by it.”

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

“Yes, but it’s hard for me. I don’t really know where to start.”

“Remember when you were little and we went to Rehoboth Beach several times every summer.”

“Yes.”

“Remember how in June the water was often in the low 60’s.”

“Yes, and you just had to run in and jump into a wave, or you’d never get in.”

“You’ve got it.”

“Okay.

“In your journal you write about Stephen Gulliver’s world, where they try to turn gay people into straight people, and if they can’t, they kill them.”

“Yes.”

“There’s that Personality Reassignment Room story about Stephen being tortured to death, and it happens to him over and over again.”

“Yes.”

“I think that’s one of the things that really bother’s Mom and Dad about your journal. Dad said that it’s one of the most disgusting things he’s ever read, and Mom won’t even talk about it. It bothers me too, but not in the same way it does them.” He paused and stared at the huge pine trees outside my living room window.

“How’s that,” I urged.



(to be continued)


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I am happy that the economy isn’t going down the tubes, at least for now. However, I have been so concerned with the brobdingnagian national debt caused by Mr. Bush’s economic policies and WAR. Each of us is buried under more than $26,000.00 in national debt, and the figure is climbing daily. Now, with the April economic figures- that is jobs, mortgage, interest rates and so on - seemingly describing a growing economy, Mr. Bush thinks it is safe to push his economic agenda. Once again, he will work to make the rich richer and the middle class poorer. I say, NO!

Here are some links to news and people with concerns: 1) A VC In NYC, 2) “Economist.com,” 3) The New Yorker, 4) Alex Chadwick at NPR.

There are so many more. Go to Google and type in “Bush's Economic Agenda” to get an unbiased list of references to Mr. Bush's agenda. I, of course, must admit to being biased as I am not rich. Most of Mr. Bush’s ideas, as usual are designed to benefit his own, upper class buddies.

Yes, there really are separations according to class in America, and The Bush Agenda is designed to support, and augment them. The wealthy will become more so, and we, the middle class will become less so if not disenfranchised. There in lies another reason why these folks wish to focus national attention on the issues of gay marriage and women’s choice, which they claim are “value based religious moral issues." In actuality neither has anything to do with morality or religion. Instead, these two hot button issues are based on evangelical prejudice against women and various sexualities. This is divisive politics at its worst, and I am waiting for America to wake up from its dreams of political and religious world conquest.


Have a nice day. And, may God bless each and everyone.



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*
If you are a liberal Christian, go to Thank you for Visiting CHPA for a real jolt that demonstrates just how prejudiced and hating the evangelical brand of Christianity is. Specifically the third item on their list, a not so well disguised attack on sexual minorities. Of course, the whole abortion issue is laid out as “Murder of babies.” Basically, it devolves down to, “the hell with taking care of them after they’re born. Life’s sacred, but once it exists, we aren’t responsible for it. Heck, we haven’t thought beyond our responsibility for life at the cellular level.” These folks need to read their own stuff for its hate content. Sad! As a liberal Christian, I will pray for them and ask God to help them to learn to love all life including there own sentient life, not just that at the cellular level. After all, God gave us our brains to use, not to ignore.

Perhaps we need to clarify who Jesus Christ was; what he stood for, his eclectic choice of friends, his statements about tolerance, and acceptance.

No, I doubt they will hear, much less listen. The Christian right is part of the modern Rome; too caught up in politics and power to hear Jesus’ actual message.

Nevertheless, I plan to work toward a redefinition of Christianity that is based on the (good word) of the new Testement, Jesus Christ's love for all mankind, and God's profound care for the universe he / she created.

"Always err on the side of the paramecium," I say facitiously.

*”Images,” Sheist Site, http://www.op.net/~finklesk/, viewed Thursday, May 11, 2005, 6:05 AM. EDT.


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Saturday, May 1, 2005

Saturday morning I got up around 8:00 A.M. and started breakfast. I made pancakes and scrapple. Scrapple is a Pennsylvania Dutch / Philadelphia concoction made by sweeping up the floor after pigs have been slaughtered and cooking that and ground up spare parts with corn meal. The resulting slop is allowed to cool and harden into loafs that are then sliced, fried, and served with maple syrup poured over it. For a great picture and an interesting story about John Kerry and scrapple go to Mocking Word. This is what scrapple looks like before it’s cooked.

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I know scrapple sounds absolutely hideous. However, I love it, and so does Adam. I have always made my pancakes in advance so that I can eat with my family, or company as the case may be. For one thing, it can be a real treat to watch the expressions on guest’s faces as they discover what they are eating. Adam appeared just before I was ready to call him.

“Smells like heaven in here. You must be making a breakfast feast, Grandpa.”

“Good morning. Little one.”

“Not so little anymore. I’m even getting a pouch.”

“That’s your abdomen. You are over developing it. You do too much abdominal work. Cut back.”

“I like the cut look.”

“If it sticks out over your belt, or shoves the belt down, it’s over-done.”

“But.”

“But me no buts. You have no fat around your middle. From the back you are tapered to a slight 32 inch waist from those broad farm boy shoulders. You do not have handles. You have over worked the abs.

“Okay! I’ll cut back.”

“Good. Now sit down and eat.” I put a dinner sized platter with 5 steaming pancakes and 2 slabs of scrapple before him.”

“Oh my,” he said, and began slapping slabs of butter between the cakes to melt.

While he was pouring the maple syrup (fresh from the tree I might add) over the cakes, I broached the subject that I knew must be covered sooner or latter. “Okay, about your Dad.”

“What?”

“You know what I mean. It’s about the blog.”

“How come you said, 'about your Dad?' ”

“Because he’s really angry with me.”

“He calls it concerned.”

“He called you.”

“To talk some sense into you.”

“No, you’re the threat he has carried out. He is playing his trump card.”

“You mean I’m part of a game you two are playing.”

“I didn’t know that people of your generation understood that old 1970’s talk.”

“Sure, everyone mind games and all that stuff. But, you’re changing the subject.”

“Not really. I’m just uncomfortable.”

“You don’t need to be.”

“Why not? I’ve been thinking about the blog a lot. And, it does sort of read and look like pornography in places.”

“I must admit, it’s a bit titillating.”

“Apparently your mother is half crazed because of it.”

“Mom would be half crazed with or without your blog.”

“So, apparently you’re not too disturbed by it.”


(to be continued)


*image is from Hormel foods website “Our Kitchen.”, © 1999-2004, viewed Sunday, 6:51 P.M., EDT.


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Just in case anyone is still interested 1589 Americans have died and almost 12,000 have been wounded in Iraq since the war began March 19, 2003. Somewhere between 21,000 and 24,000 Iraqis have lost their lives in the war. You can check the information on American deaths at AntiWar.com, and get more exact numbers for Iraqi casualties at Iraq Body Count.

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The following is the most recent entry in "Words From Iraq." Read it and weep.

Inside Iraq (LJ)
Iraq hates you

I find it disturbing how many of you military folks in Iraq are racist assholes. You won the military occupation in weeks- you lost the war with dumb troops on the ground calling Iraqis sandniggers and spouting ignorant and uneducated remarks. Learn and think before you open your mouth or fire your gun.

May 05, 2005 09:11 PM

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Have a nice day everyone. And may God bless each and everyone.


*Image, and these words of a US soldier are from, “Words From Iraq,” http://www.wordsfromiraq.com/, May 5, 2005 9:30 PM, UTC. Viewed Thursday, May 5, 2005, 5:37 PM EDT.


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What a great weekend! It was difficult at times, but…

I will report on it in episodes as I have time to write.

Friday evening, April 29, 2005

Adam got in later than expected, around 9:30 P.M. I gave him a dry bourbon Manhattan (dry vermouth), his favorite. We talked as Mahler’s Second Symphony played in the background until we got to the last part, “Mit Aufschwung, Aber Nicht Eilen.” We both stopped talking as the music slowly began to crescendo. Adam asked me to turn it up and I cranked it as loud as I dared in my apartment. Tillie, my next door neighbor is a young 79. She sees and hears everything. Sometimes I think she stands with her ear stuck to the other side of my wall like one of those suction cups you spit on with hooks attached to hang things on. Anyway, I knew I’d hear about it Saturday if we turned the Mahler up too loud. That last portion of the symphony has always reminded me of spring with life exploding into being, after the dead of winter. Of course, there is always that obfuscated sense of loss that stays with Mahler, even at his most triumphant. He must have felt as though death is a partner who lives with us every moment of this dream we call life - so romantic, yet with Mahler it isn’t necessarily transcendent. When the last sonorous blast of orchestra and brass had finished echoing about the stereophonic concert hall, I told Adam that I had to get some sleep. He, however, stayed up and watched television for a time. It was a wonderful and relaxing evening, and did not presage any of what was to come.