Adam’s Visit: Part IV

I took this photograph from outside my apartment at the Pine Needle Retirement Home.

In the May 18th entry, I was recounting my conversation with Adam about you, Dear Journal. Adam was visiting me for the weekend during the last weekend in April. The journal entry recounts the reason for Adam’s visit. When we left off, Adam was talking about the alternate reality, Stephen Gulliver’s Straight World, specifically the PRR or Personality Reassignment Room in which a future USA government tortures gay and lesbian people it wishes to convert to a heterosexual sexuality – as if such a thing were possible.

“I think that’s one of the things that really bother’s Mom and Dad about your journal.

Dad said that it’s one of the most disgusting things he’s ever read, and Mom won’t even talk about it. It bothers me too, but not in the same way it does them.” He paused and stared at the large pine trees outside my living room window.

“How’s that,” I urged.

“It frightens me.”

“Why?”

“Because, if that is our reality, only twenty years from now, it could be real.”

“It is real.”

“If that is the case, they may take me away someday.”

“Are you telling me that you are gay?”

“No.”

“What are you saying then?”

“I’m saying, I think I’m bi-sexual.”

“Why do you think that, Adam?”

“I find both men and women to be sexually attractive, perhaps for different reasons, or in different ways. With men, I’m more interested in the alpha dog thing. I want to be dominated, by a well made, handsome guy who knows what he wants…”

“Okay, I get the picture. What about women?”

“I suppose that it’s the opposite of the way I feel about men in many ways. I want to dominate her, but not to make her small, but because I want her to need me. And that, I think, is because (actually) I need her. I’ve thought about it a lot. Perhaps I’m this way because Mom is so difficult, and I never felt as though she was fully engaged in raising me. So, now in my sexual relationships with women, I am looking for a woman who I can cause to need me desperately, so that she will be completely involved with me.

“So, in the case of men, you want to be subdued. But, with women, you want unconditional, and total adoration.”

“You’ve got the first part right, I think. The second, not. She doesn’t have to adore me, just need me desperately.”

“You know, just because she is desperate for your physical presence it doesn’t necessarily mean that she will nurture you like a mother is supposed to do with her children.”

“I know that. I’m just looking at the psychology of the thing.”

“So, here’s my next question. Have you had enough sexual experience with both men and women to know your sexual identity thoroughly?”

“Well, I’m not a slut, sex pig, whore. However, I have had several major relationships with both women and men.”

“So, you are reasonably sure about this.”

“No, not reasonably. I am sure.”

“You know, Adam. I think most of us, if we look deep into our persons can find that we like both men and women. Some of us like men much more than women, and others, Vic versa, you are familiar with the Kinsey scale.”

“Yes. I’ve seen the movie.”

“I’ve read the books. I was desperate (when they were first published) to understand why I was so attracted to men. I didn’t know how it was possible to love your grandmother and want men so desperately at the same time. My religious beliefs told me that I was living in sin, and that I was an evil man.”

“But, you’re not evil.”

“I’ve come to realize that. There is evil in this universe. But it is not you or I, Adam. Instead, the people who teach against sexual minorities are evil. God does not make mistakes. There is a reason for every part of his creation. Evil is present, but only when one man decides to hate another and / or preach against another because of his religion, nationality, skin color, race, ethnicity, sex, or sexuality.

“So, I am not evil because of my bi-sexual nature.”

“No. Though you have a more difficult future ahead of you than most. You live in a culture based on opposition, though you personally are not. Both heterosexuals and homosexuals distrust bisexuals. However, I suspect that your nature is closest to actual human nature. Those of us at the extreme ends of the Kinsey scale are relatively rare. Most people are a mixture of sexual proclivities. There in lies the problem.

Fear. Most submerge the knowledge that they are attracted (to some extent) to both sexes beneath the conscious threshold because they have been taught that is evil. So, they bury that knowledge of their personal self, and it festers beneath the surface and they become fearful of others who display such behavior.”

“It sounds like you are defending them.”
“Oh, no. Not, that. Never! They are living half-lives. They are hiding behind their religion. Jesus Christ did not want people to use God to defend prejudice. Instead, Jesus Christ hoped that people would use his life to help them accept and love one another. That was his message. Love, not hate!

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