August 25, 2003

Ruth’s After Church Visit

Ruth came to visit me here at the Pine Needle (one of my many nick names for Pine Needle Retirement Home) after her church yesterday. She was full of evangelical zeal as she always is after these religious indoctrination sessions. Her mother and I did go to church after leaving the Amish Order. We became liberal presbyterians. Our God is a pleasant fellow who didn’t ask us to abstain from anything. He didn’t ask us to be zealots and gather recruits. I’m afraid that my daughter’s church has her convinced that I am living in sin, and that I’ll go to H -E -double hockey sticks.

So, how did I discover that I am homosexual?

As a teenager, I had been infatuated with my neighbor, Peter Lapp. One Sunday, during worship at our neighbor’s house, I found myself standing directly behind Peter. The flare of his back created an inverted triangle that was emphasized by purposeful darts taken in the back of his shirt. Even as I wondered who would do such a thing to a man’s shirt, I found myself staring, eyes traveling up and down the tapered expanse of white fabric, until I felt my crotch ache. I became entranced. The sound of the singing congregation seemed to be locked in a padded can, far, far away at the end of a very long string. The people, and the brightly sunlit room seemed to fade until Peter’s back glowed at the center of my focused vision. I leaned forward so that my genitals pressed against the back of his chair, and gently, I moved my hips; to the left, and backward, then ever so slowly to the right, and finally forward once again. The motion was slow, like the movement of the earth’s crust beneath the continents and oceans, but, I felt as though the entire universe was being squeezed in the space between my genitals and Peter’s butt. It is amazing to me, as I think back, that nobody in that room was aware of my sexual arousal. My feelings were so intense that, if I close my eyes, I can remember the smell of Peter’s scrubbed hair and neck filling my nostrils. At the time I had no label to put on these feelings. I just knew that they were totally unacceptable.

One of the most important sexual relationships I describe in the Varnastrama Journals is with a man named Peter. Indeed, he is the same Peter Lapp, though in Varnastrama his last name is not Lapp but Severus. In our world, I have often written the name “Peter” over and over again on my journal papers, and I have even made huge, feathery impressionist-like drawings of it.

By the time I discovered Varnastrama I knew what a homosexual was and I knew I was one, though I was married with children.

Gay and Lesbian Retirement Home

Today, I got an e-mail from "RainbowVisions" a gay and lesbian retirement home. I sent for more information and answered their questionnaire.

E-mail me! My e-mail address is

Visit my homepage at AOL Hometown


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