September 07, 2003

What’s That Have To Do With Love Anyway?

I cried last evening - wept copiously - and had to go to the kitchen for a paper towel. I was transferring CD’s to computer that my friend Tina let me borrow. She lives two doors down the hall in my apartment section here at THE BIG NEEDLE.

I was transfering Paul McCartney’s “Back in the USA.” and “The Long and Winding Road” wiped me out.

The long and winding road
That leads to your door
Will never disappear.
I seen that road before.
It always beats me here.
Lead me to your door.

The wild and windy nights
That the waves washed away
Have left a poor little tear,
Cry’n for the day.
Why keep me standing here
Let me know the way.

Many times I’ve been alone,
And many times I’ve cried
Anyway, you’ll never know.
The many ways I‘ve tried
But still they lead me back
To the long and winding road.

You left me standing here
A long long time ago.
Oh, yeah.
Don’t keep me waiting here.
Lead me to your Door.

Oh, Oh...

Of course, it was because of Peter, my love, and because of Rebecca who was my partner. I still carry the torch for them both. There is a dull ache that stirs from my feet and flows through torso’s center, through the breast to my throat where it lodges as I sit here writing. It threatens to erupt once more in tears. The images that accompany these thoughts in my mind are of a sparrow falling to the earth, and Antonello da Messina’s painting “The Martyrdom of Sebastian.” The feeling is not related to sexual intercourse, or sexual identity. I do not deny that sexual intercourse was a part of my relationship with both. However, I believe we place too much emphasis on this part of our communion with those we love. Because, in the end, all that is left on Earth of these two marvelous human beings, is the love I feel for them.

These ruminations leave me with a question - I am an eighty-three year old man (soon to be eighty-four) who identifies as homosexual. How does the label fit with my pain at the loss of both Peter and Rebecca?

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