July 31, 2003

I know my children think I?m mentally ill. So do most of the residents and staff here at Pine Needle Retirement Home. Thank goodness they all picture me as a dotty and benign old fool. I am tolerated with a smile and often a dismissive, "Okay, Zac. Whatever you say." So, I don't talk to them about the silver man or Varnastrama anymore.

Sometimes I think Varnastrama must be wishful thinking made manifest as hyper-real imagery, a sort of virtual reality of the conscious mind. However, If that were so, wouldn't irrationality infiltrate insidiously all of my thought processes, conscious and subconscious? And, aren't such delusions the product of a sudden and horribly painful experience that has distorted the ego. What and where is my painful experience? Yes! I have had pain in my life. Often it has been self inflicted pain as when Rebecca and I both left home and the Amish order at the ages of 18 and 19 respectively. That experience, however, included the hurtful knowledge that, if we didn't leave, the order would eventually shun us for our beliefs and behaviors. And, no one, including our own families, would speak to us ever again. The leave taking was accompanied by the sensation that we were caught between two opposing and equally unsatisfactory positions, the proverbial devil and deep blue sea. I suppose that I have existed in that position for much of my life, and that the constant feeling of being trapped could cause a delusion like Varnastrama and such behavior as my silver man performances (I will write more about these, dear journal, I promise.).

But, Varnastrama IS real to me. And, what is reality anyway? It is just a dream that we each dream. We each live a life that is different from all others, but is limited by the hand of the playwright, who is not God. Nor is this Shakespeare-like metaphor correct, for it is the nature of the playwright's particular language, the paper upon which he writes, and the writing instrument he holds in his hand that determine the meanings, as well as the look and feel of the text he composes. My silver man performances are symbolic of these determining factors. He is a character that exists within the text of the play as a metallic ghost and he reflects the performances of the actors around him. So, I understand that each of our realities are delusions, or at the very least illusions.

It doesn't matter. I would not give either of these up. With all its problems Varnastrama is better than Earth. Varnastrama is united. Race, creed, sexuality differ, but are not cause for division and hate. Varnastrama is pansexual. Fundamentalism in all matters is tempered by rational thought. No one group of persons believe themselves to own the truth and to have the right to impose their truth on others. Medicine is more advanced and people stay healthy longer. I am not as old there and I have all the good things that I have had here; my family, children, the farm, and Peter .

Dr. Dot - Ruth hired him to help me "do away with these odd thoughts" - asked me when my "delusions" (his word) about Varnastrama began. The question came at the end of a protracted silence that filled several of our encounters. He had been staring fixedly into a dark corner of his office ceiling the entire session, so his question took me by surprise, and sparked a pleasant reminiscence. As a result I have determined to create a history about the discovery of Varnastrama.

But, more of that tomorrow, or perhaps the next day, since I seem to have only time to finish one of these entries every other day.

Right now I'm off to my Aquacise group.

E-mail me! My e-mail address is ZacSfuts@aol.com.

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